allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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