I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't trust your balls anymore.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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