If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
