stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
