i permit you to call me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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