dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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