my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
