I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just googled if crying burns calories
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
