she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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