so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
