We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
