There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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