Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
