I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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