he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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