Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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