You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
