im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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