the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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