i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
