My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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