I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
