she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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