he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
