they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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