Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
