There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
