dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
the liver wants what the liver wants
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
