What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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