How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
