the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
