wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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