I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
