Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
