Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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