Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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