I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
