Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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