If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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