So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
