Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
bring money and cleavage
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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