Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
