I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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