You smell like stripper and shame
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
