hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
