this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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