i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
