Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
