Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
