if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's intense
Jerry, you need to find god
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
