is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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