To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
