I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
MIDGETS
????
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
